Critical Praise

A trip to the local blockbuster reveals two things:

There are simply too many copies of Anthony Edwards "Playing By Heart," and that all movies, regardless of quality, have their covers scrawled with praise by critics.

For example, the box of The Newton Boys, starring Matthew McCoughney and Skeet Ulrich, has a quote from respected critic of Good Morning America Joel Siegal saying, "...A great action adventure story." But that can't be right. Recently, such leaders as the Pope came out to say that films such as the Newton Boys are leading our world toward the apocalypse, fascism, or, even worse, more movies starring Matthew McCoughney and Skeet Ulrich.

The investigative editors of Lostbrain decided to dig deeper to find out what critics really said about movies.

Quote:
"...A great action adventure story." - Joel Siegel on the Newton Boys

What he really said:
"I'll do anything to get in good with Satan. I'll go so far as to say that the Newton Boys, which had many people vomiting as the ran for the exit, was actually a pretty good action adventure story. There, I said it. Can I have my soul back?"

Quote:
"...What a Wallup! I was on the edge of my seat!..." Gene Shalit, Today show, quoted on the cover of Hard Rain

What he really said:
"During the middle of the movie a fight broke out between Axl Rose and Christian Slater. I guess Axl decided to urinate on Christian (who could blame him?!), so Christian decided to deck Axl! What a wallup! I was on the edge of my seat! I was so distracted I lost some junior mints in my beard, but they turned up a few days later."

Quote:
"...Infamous...Scary..." - Peter Travers, Rolling Stone, on Sphere.

What he really said:
"While I watched this movie, I couldn't help but think back to the infamous scene of Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone was in the interrogation room. It's scary, because before that movie, I thought I was gay, but now I'm not so sure."

Quote:
"...Exciting... Exhilarating... ***1/2 stars" - Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times, on What Dreams May Come

What he really said:
"Until I realized that the title of the film starts with "What" instead of "Wet", I expected cheap, exciting porno, featuring Robin Williams and Cuba Gooding Jr. Denied, I went down the block to "Uncle James 24 Hour Palace" to watch "You've Got Ass". Exhilarating and exhausting. I give that movie ***1/2 stars."

Quote:
"...Tom Cruise sizzles!..." - Pat O'Brien, from Access Hollywood, on Eyes Wide Shut

What he really said:
To his cohost: "Hey Jane, I'm thinking of turning into a cannibal. I bet if you use a little butter, lemon juice and liquid smoke, Tom Cruise sizzles when you put him on a rotating spit."

Quote
"...A Comic Masterpiece..." Pat Collins, WOR-TV, on Doctor Doolittle.

What she really said:
Actually, she really said that.

Quote:
"...Shutup fat ass..." Gene Siskel, former Chicago Tribune critic, on Wild Wild West

What he really said:
"I may be dead, but that doesn't mean I can't be on the show! Come on! No! Don't give a good review to Wild Wild West! Hey, Shutup fat ass! What's Gene Shalit doing in my chair? I'm rolling over in my grave right now. Wait, I can't do that. Someone packed my coffin too tightly."

Quote:
"...The best movie I have ever seen. I had three orgasms during the second reel alone. I'm left a big, gooey mess for the ushers to clean up..." Harry Knowles, Aint-It-Cool-News, on every movie he's ever watched.

-Brandon Stahl