|
The White House Call Girls
Yo! I'm Big Daddy G-Dub, and I am YOUR pimp
in these times of crisis. Let's face it, yo: even though
I said it would get better, the economy still sucks, we
still haven't found Bin Laden, and I am still your
president. So what's gonna let up you ask? Nothing bitch!
That's why your asses need my bitches to get through the
coming years.
These are the women of my White House.
Call girls that want to take you to a political hotbed and
beyond. Know what I'm saying?
For real! You know you want them! They're
just waiting for your call so they can be your special escort
to any event: whether it a be a gala dinner, a meeting between
Sharon or Arafat, or a Guadalarajan cock-fight. It's all
good. And after the night is over, they'll take you back
to your place and do some crazy-ass shit. Word.
Listen, dawg, some of it's even legal. But
don't take my word for it! Scroll by their pictures below
and read what they have to say.
|
Mary
Hi, I'm Mary. But I'm no virgin,
and I'll prove it by letting you take an in-depth
tour of my insides.
Turn-Ons: I love to surround
myself with incredibly stupid men, so I can't
help but look incredibly smart. I'll take
shut-ins, prison inmates, gas station attendants,
Trent Lott, you name it.
Cost: $50.00/hr. Visa/Mastercard
accepted.
Specialties: S&M; humiliating
you at parties; appearing across from Robert Novak
on Crossfire with my legs spread open.
Won't do: James Carville, unless
he pays for the last five years worth of tricks.
|
|
|
Karen
Why, HELLO! I'm Bendable Karen! In
my other life, I bet I was a pretzel. Because I'm
also quite salty and guys just love to choke on me.
Turn-Ons: Gosh, what doesn't turn me
on? Just being able to contort for you gets
me going. Ask me to twist myself the "peanut-butter
filled" shape. It's a crowd pleaser.
Cost: $3.50/bag. Thirty cents off
with coupon (valid only Tuesdays and Wednesdays).
Likes: Dip: either ranch or sour cream and
chives.
Won't Do: Bukkake with the Bush brothers.
|
|
|
Condi
Mmmmm... I'm your Sweet Candy--Candyleeza
Rice, and I love to be licked.
Turn-Ons: I'm the White House's resident classical
pianist, on call to tickle your ebonies and ivories
any day of the week.
Likes: Baby, I'm the namesake for an oil tanker,
so lather me up and start my engine! Just be
sure to scrape off my barnicles before you leave port.
Cost: $1.65 per gallon
Specialties: Taking an entire Stanford fraternity
in one night while a baked Alaska cooks in the kitchen.
Won't do: Donald Rumsfled. I just can't take
him anymore.
|
|
|
Laura
I'm Laura, the strongest First Lady in the
history of this great country. With my husband working
out all the time, I decided to take up weightlifting
to keep up with him. Some say it turned me into a
hideous freak. Those people are dead.
Turn-ons: Do you love to ingest copious
amounts of protein? Is your idea of a hot date
being able to bench three football players
at once? Is a quiet night at home spent sweating to
tapes of American Gladiators? Then I am your
escort. Pee-Wees need not apply.
Cost: $100/hr, or a bucket of GNC Ripped
Fuel.
Specialties: Able to crush men's skulls with
enormous thighs; relax by placing barbells
on Karen Hughes face; taking as much of Donald
Rumsfeld as I can.
Won't Do: The New York Knicks. Deadbeats
tricked me for the last time.
|
|
|
ARI
Hi! I'm Ari. Think this is hot? Keep this in mind:
my head isn't the only place that's bald.
Turn-ons: After a long day with the press
corps, I like to go home and spend the rest of the
night watching the Game Show Network, yelling
the correct answer at the television. Naked.
Care to join me?
Cost: You know: you bring the pizza, I supply
the beer, baby.
Specialties: Nadding my erogenous zone while
you watch (air sickness bag costs $5.00 extra); taking
as much of Donald Rumsfeld as I can; Rim jobs--extra,
but worth every penny.
Won't Do: Helen Thomas. Don't care how much
you pay me.
|
Blame:
- Brandon Stahl
for everything
|
