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 LostBrain's
Semi-Annual Oscar Predictions
Best Picture Nominees:
- Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
- A Beautiful Mind
- Gosford Park
- In the Bedroom
- Moulin Rouge
Travis's prediction:
Ten years from today, which of 2001's films will have an effect
on how future films are crafted? Since most people who sit down
to watch Lord of the Rings today will still be watching
it ten years from now, it's instantly disqualified. Sorry Frodo,
but Moulin Rouge and In the Bedroom will rule them
all. In radically different ways, each of these movies broke out
of the conventions of 1990's filmmaking and offered a thoroughly
modern interpretation of film. But none of this matters here since
neither of these movies will win best picture. It'll be A Beautiful
Mind. Why you ask? For too many years the Oscar race has ignored
the bisexual, schizoprenic, adulterous, mathematically gifted
individuals who make our society great. It's time for them to
be recognized! Plus it made a lot of money, enough for John Nash
to buy the New York Times.
What should win: As with all contests there are the winners
and there are the Canadian figure skaters who actually deserve
to win.
In the Bedroom turned traditional storytelling on its
ear. Up until I saw this film I was convinced that Memento
deserved the top nod for nearly the same reason. However, during
Memento, you're constantly aware of the chicanery going
on behind the curtain. You never become detached from the reverse
flow of the story. Memento was just a great story told
backwards, with a killer beginning. In the Bedroom is not
only a great tragedy, but it throws out the rulebook on screenwriting
and plot development. It proves that there is more than one formula
to successfully write a screenplay.
Brandon's Predictions:
Before we begin, I'd just like to start off by talking a little
trash. Two years ago, when we proved to the world that we were
the funniest non-Germans to try our hand at predicting the academy
awards, I was able to make far more correct predictions than you,
Travis. An accomplishment that, frankly,will head my obituary.
And what did I owe to my success?
A then unheard-of psychic by the name of Cleo. Miss Cleo. I
rode her and her supernatural abilities to five out of seven correct
predictions, breaking the Guiness World Record by five. It was
a joyous time, as we celebrated that night with a wild, lust crazed
romp through the streets of Chicago, correctly predicting when
people would die, and then shooting them. We drank their blood
and sang Bob Marley songs—as is Jamaican custom.
Alas, Cleo rode her success a little further and is now the
world's most celebrated psychic. She's making millions and sought
by many, including the federal government. And though I rot in
obscurity, ruing the day I gave her fame and wealth, I at least
take comfort in her urinating on her security blanket, which I
stole from her on that cold April night many years ago.
Anyway, What will win: With Cleo gone, I called up the
next best psychic to make this important prediction: Liberace.
Though he's dead and his corpse riddled with syphilis, he still
made what I think is the correct prophecy of the night: A Beautiful
Mind. "But," said Liberace. "The joke's on John Nash. All
those years that he thought the government was chasing him was
actually me—trying to warn him to test for HIV." I guess
the producers of A Beautiful Mind left a little something
else out of the movie, eh?
What Should Win: I've only seen two nominees, one of
those LOTR. I caught it back when it opened, and my ass
STILL hurts. The longest three hours of my life. ESPN movies have
been more fun to sit through. I've also caught Moulin Rouge,
though I was sober for the viewing and the effect was lost on
me. No, I think for this year's award we should reach all the
way back and hand the coveted statue to Wrestlemania 3.
Remember when Hulk bodyslammed Andre the Giant, then dropped the
big leg on him and counted one, two, three? A moment that I replayed
over and over again—sending numerous friends to their deaths.
Best Actor Nominees (in order of goat-ranching ability):
- Russell Crowe
- Sean Penn
- Will Smith
- Denzel Washington
- Tom Wilkinson
Brandon: Will Win: A lot of people keep saying that the
academy will award Crowe, essentially apologizing for overlooking
his performance in the Insider. But, I ask, didn't they
do that last year when they gave him the award for Gladiator,
a movie that he grunted his way through? So why do they still
feel so bad for him and his millions that they have to award him
again? I think the real story here is that the Academy wants to
see Russell beat the living daylight out of some poor National
Enquirer reporter
"Mr. Crowe, to what do you attribute your success?"
"I think the real question is here is why you interrupted my
thought process during my acceptance speech."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about, sir."
"You called me Charlie and then you spit right in my face."
"No, I, no I didn't."
"Maggot! I'm gonna twist out your tongue and use it to paint
my house you animals! You'll never work in Hollywood again!"
"Please don't hurt me. This isn't my full time job. I work
at Dairy Queen during the summers and need the money."
Should Win: I haven't seen any of this year's nominee's
(though I'm pretty sure that was Sean Penn I saw holding up a
Shell Gas Station the other night. Come on buddy, admit it was
you), so I say give the award to Jared from the Subway commercials.
Well, not Jared, but the 257 pounds of lost fat. Sure, we praise
Jared for achieving stardom through starvation, but have we become
such a depraved society that we conveniently forget about the
fat that Jarred so conveniently left behind?
Travis:
Dear Brandon,
This letter is to inform you that your name has been forwarded
to U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft. You have been fingered
as a co-conspirator in Ms. Cleo's operation to defraud helpless
senior citizens and predict Academy Award winners through
Pagan means. Mr. Ashcroft is on his way over to your house
right now to take out some "faith-based initiative"
on your ass.
Yours truly, Travis Daub
Huggy Bear
Now, on with my prediction for Best Actor: Tom Hanks
wasn't in a single movie released in 2001. Anthony Hopkins ate
a dude's brain on screen. Will Smith was responsible for Wild,
Wild West. Elijah Woods is really short. Plus most of the
people I just named weren't even nominated this year. History
has shown that all of these things tend to hurt your chances on
Oscar night.
So, we should consider what helps an actor's chances of taking
home a statue of a small naked man. The academy likes portrayals
of individuals who are mentally disabled. That narrows us down
to Sean Penn and Russel Crowe. No one likes Sean Penn, so Crowe's
our man.
And now, another edition of Travis berating actors for making
bad career decisions: Two years ago I incorrectly predicted
that Kevin Spacey would become the next Tom Hanks. This prediction
had nothing to do with Spacey's plan to dress like a woman and
move into an all-female housing complex. I thought he would star
in a string of good movies and collect enough Oscars to put on
his own miniature productions of the Full Monty. What I did not
realize was that Spacey has been picking his scripts out of Robin
Williams' trashcan. My other fear was that Spacey might be type-cast
as a habitual onscreen masturbator. That prediction does seem
to have come true.
Who deserves to win? While Crowe may be considered the
best actor of his time, Wilkenson gave us the performance of his
life this year. Wilkenson went beyond the elements of acting and
bore part of his soul on the screen. In the Bedroom was
a film where great storytelling was accomplished in scenes without
any spoken dialogue. The old Brit is a master of silent emotion.
Probably not too surprising considering how outwardly emotional
most Brits tend not to be. It's just too bad he didn't stay silent
when given the opportunity to star in Black Knight.
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