Facts:

• Larry Fitzgerald has never lost a case.

• That's right. He's 120 and 0.

• He is the most feared defense attorney in America.

• Fitzgerald will represent anyone, anywhere, no matter what you've been charged with.

• Larry Fitzgerald will work your case for free. When you win, you won't have to pay Fitzgerald anything.

• He'll even pay your court costs.

• No other defense attorney in America can say that.

• He'll also represent you in civil suits. He's never lost one of those cases, either.

• He's won millions of dollars for his clients.

• All he asks is that, after you've won your case, you let him pee on you.

Facts:

• Come on.

• It's not as bad as it sounds.

• Be a friend.

• It won't last long.

• Ten, twenty seconds at most.

• Larry Fitzgerald drinks a lot of water, so it'll be clear.

• Larry Fitzgerald's pretty sure urine is sterile.

• He'll check on that and get back to you.

• You can pee on Larry Fitzgerald if it will make you feel better.

What other choice do you have?

• You could lose your life's savings paying for an attorney.

• You probably can't even afford a real attorney. Good attorneys like me make fun of the attorneys you can afford

• Or, you could let a court-appointed lawyer represent you.

• You might as well just strap yourself into the chair.

More Facts:

• It's not like you have to drink it.

• Unless you want to.

• Aren't you the least bit curious about how it tastes?

• It's not at all what you think.

• It's sweet. Did you know that?

• Larry Fitzgerald's urine is sweeter than other lawyer's urine.

• And it's not like you have to watch Larry Fitzgerald pee on you. Turn your back. Read something. Larry Fitzgerald has a fine collection of magazines. Time, Newsweek, Sports Illustrated, the New Yorker.

• There's a fascinating article in this month's New Yorker about Gallilieo.

• Being urinated on while reading about Gallilieo is a lot more exciting than you might think.

When you do hire Larry Fitzgerald:

• You can relax, knowing that your case is in the hands of America's most competent, powerful lawyer.

• Larry Fitzgerald will provide you with a change of clothes.

• But he won't pee on you until after he's won the case.

• Unless you're into those kinds of things.

• In which case you should provide your own clothes.