How to Escape a Visit from Jehovah's Witnesses

1. Panic. Call the police and tell them that dangerous black youths are attempting to break into your home and steal your belongings. Police should arrive within two minutes.

2. Meanwhile, throw a grenade at the approaching Witnesses and run out the back door. If you have no back door or grenades, proceed to step 3.

3. If the Witnesses don't know yet if you're home, turn off all electricity and be as quiet as possible. If you have a dog that barks at strangers, shoot it. If children begin to cry, stuff their mouths with ether soaked rags. (If they've found out that you're home and continue to attempt entry, proceed to step 4.)

4. Turn your television to Court TV. Pull down your pants. Masturbate. Look up at them. Smile.

5. If they're still at your door and the police have not yet arrived, pull up your pants, call your Realtor and arrange to sell your home in the next five minutes. Or just buy a few Watchtowers. Yeah, that's what we thought.

Be Aware

Jehovah's Witnesses are attracted to blood and can become aggressive if you have an open wound.