Sexy rarely shows up on film, as she did here in her baby photo.

My Friend Sexy
An Essay by Christopher Tomlin

Let me tell you about my neighbor Sexy. Her real name is Denise, but she has SEXY written on her arm. I think that's funny, because Denise is not sexy at all. Perhaps someone at the prison thought her arm was sexy or held sex appeal, so they wrote "sexy" on it. I would have written the word "flabby" or perhaps "scarred." But who am I to judge?

I met Sexy on the porch. The way she spanked her children let me know right away she was the girl for me! Now we go everywhere together: the movies, the bowling alley, the free clinic. I think we are a perfect match, and I am in love with her.

I took Sexy to the park and we ate ham sandwiches. We were holding hands and feeding the ducks, which were coming right up to us, when Sexy grabbed a duck and ate it. Even with feathers in her teeth, she kissed me like no other woman could.

When Sexy and I went to Cirque de Soleil in France, we laughed together and she rested her big head on my shoulder and asked for more popcorn. I laughed and bought her four more bags. Later, Sexy tried to tell me something and her loud voice made the man with the dogs fall off his trampoline. In France, Denise is known as "Le Sexy" or "Madamoiselle Sexy." I guess she's sexy in any language!

Sexy has eighteen children but doesn't look a day older than twenty. This is because she is not a day older than twenty. Sexy has had a baby every year since she was two. I think her loud voice is because she's delivered so many babies and opts for natural childbirth. And guess who her la maz coach is? Me!

Sexy and I went to the ballgame. "HOT DOGS! HOT DOGS!" cried the man in the aisle. "I'll take them all!" said Sexy. Many times people think she's joking. Sexy ate all the hot dogs.

Once I was very hungry and I said "I could eat a horse." Sexy was very hungry on Tuesday and she said "I could cat a horse." Sexy ate five horses.

When I've eaten a lot of dinner, I say "I'm full." Sexy says "This tablecloth tastes wonderful!" and she yells it with a mouthful of tablecloth. She is wonderful.

Sometimes I babysit for Sexy's children. Only two remain because Sexy has eaten sixteen of her children.

I took Sexy to the beach. "I love the ocean!" I said. Sexy said "I love the ocean too!" Sexy ate the ocean and everyone went home.

The man on the second floor of our building wears an eyepatch because he only has one eye. This is because Sexy ate the other one.

When E.F. Hutton speaks, people listen. When Sexy speaks, people listen too, because her loud and piercing voice invades their auditory canal and enters directly into their brains. No "beating around the bush" with Sexy!

Once I was beating around the bush and Sexy ate the bush.

When Sexy smiles at me, my heart skips a beat. This is because she eats one beat of my heart.

I took Sexy home to meet my parents. "How lovely to meet you," they said.

"AAARRRR!" was the sound Sexy made as she ingested my parents into her stomach.

We will be married in June.

-By Chris Tomlin