Old News, New Reflections

Sometimes it takes days, months or even years to really digest a news story...

Well, I'm through digesting, so let's examine the journalistic turds.

Matthew McConaughey was spotted playing the bongos naked.

My Final Reaction: How embarrassing! I mean, come on, bongos?!

Richard Gere was reported to have had a gerbil removed from his buttocks. Speculation is that it was for sexual stimulation (for him, not for the gerbil).

Final Reaction: This man shouldn't be condemned, he should be praised. It's always hard to start a new business, and I for one think that an Ass Zoo is one great idea. But even I can't explain why Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger was also found inside his rectum.

George Burns died.

Final Reaction: I'm sorry. No comment. Still too painful.

"Titanic" made a billion at the box office.

Final Reaction: Yeah, well it's still no fucking "I Spit on Your Grave!"

We are all just someone's dream and we will all cease to exist when they wake up.

Final Reaction: Pass the doobie, Professor.

Eating fatty foods will shorten your life.

Final reaction: Hold on, I'm pulling into the drive-thru right now. Look, it's Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's. Hey, Dave, did you hear the news? What? You think that fatty foods don't shorten your life? Okay, I believe you, after all, you were once an orphan.What? You never stop being an orphan? But what if I told you that I brought your parents back to life in my secret laboratory? What? You don't think that's funny? Oh, well, how about paying grown people just above minimum wage, is that funny? Hey, stop laughing! Just for that, I'm not bringing your parents back to life in my secret laboratory.

I crapped my diapers when I was two-months-old.

Final Final Reaction: I was young and I needed the money. Epilogue* I hope you found this educational, rewarding and vomit-inducing (Dave Thomas may not actually be an orphan).

-Eric Butterman