Bill Gates To Try On Wonderbra

After a federal judge announced that Microsoft was guilty of breaking anti-trust laws, it was widely speculated that Bill Gates was seeking to split Microsoft and then leave the company entirely. In reality, however, those were just rumors spread by Microsoft's top brass to keep the public away from the truth: There is something disturbingly wrong with Bill Gates. After returning from the site of an ancient Indian burial ground, he has not been the same. This truth was discovered the day after Microsoft's ruling, at a board meeting of Microsoft's top executives held to determine which steps the company should take. LostBrain's secret tape recorder was there:

Young Executive: Mr. Gates, obviously we're in a bind here. We have to decide quickly what we should do. What do you think the court will decide to do next with your company?

Older Executive: Mr. Gates, the real issue at hand is how do we deal with a public that now views us "hate mongers" and "capitalistic psychopaths". Why, a poll conducted an hour ago says that 85% of the American public believe that we should be kept away from children. Mr. Gates, we've got to find a way to turn around our image or our company will lose too much money.

Gates: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way — show them all the beauty they possess inside.

Older Executive: Okay, so you're suggesting.... What are suggesting sir? Which children? We've got plenty of Japanese children working for us. Should we hire more? We certainly can but soon I think attention will be shed onto that.

Another Executive, near panic: Enough of the small talk! Mr. Gates, what should we do if judge Jackson orders us to split Microsoft? How are we going to get around that? How will this company survive!?

Gates: Give them a pleasure, to make it easier... let the children's laughter, remind us how it used to be.

Executive: How what used to be?

New executive: Two years ago we launched Windows 98 and no one questioned our authority. The people were just glad to have an OS that told them the correct time. Now they want so much more.

Gates: I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows.

Paul Allen, sitting in a corner crying with a bottle of whiskey takes his head out of his hands and looks up.

Allen: Bill, are you alright?

Gates: If I fail, if I succeed, at least live as I believe.

Younger executive: Not again. Mr. Allen, should we tranquilize him? We can't have this all the time.

Older executive: You should see him when he smokes money.

Allen: No, I want to see where this goes... after thirty years of marriage, I just found out my wife is a man. I need a break from the divorce proceedings.

Older executive: A MAN!?
Rest of executives spit.

Gates: No matter what they take from me, they can't take away my DIGNITY.

Allen: Yes, you're absolutely right, Bill. I knew I could count on you to make sense of all of this, just like I can count on you to help me figure out how select a printer in Windows.

Older executive: You know how to do that? That's awesome!

Allen: Shutup, son. I'm ruminating... Sure, the federal government wants to see us destroyed! So what if the federal government wants to treat us like we treat women.

Young executive, panicked: They want to grope us in public and demote us to mail sifters?

Allen: No! They want to strip us of our dignity! And possibly our clothes
*looks at assistant*
Billy! Run and see if the judge wants us to strip our clothes of us in public.

Gates: Because the greatest...

Allen: But we won't let them take away our pride. Like Bill says, we can't let them take away our dignity! Our love for our company and the way we abuse competitors is ours to keep.

Gates: ... Love of all

Older executive: Exactly! Screw the federal government! We purchased organized crime, we sure as hell can buy them.

Gates: Is happening to me.

Allen: In the meantime, let's keep Bill out of public viewing for the time being. We don't need him singing anymore.

Gates: Hee-eee-eee

Executive: But who will do CNBC tomorrow morning?

Gates: Learning to love yourself

Allen: We'll just use the Gates 98. Is he back from the cleaners? Have they gotten that milk mustache off of him?

Gates: Ss the greatest looooove of all.Meanwhile, in Hollywood:

Bobby Brown: Damn, baby, have you seen my car keys?

Whitney *irate*: Damn stupid Windows 95! Freaking PC keeps crashing on me. Where's my Mac?

Bobby: Sorry, baby. I keep meaning to buy that Mac.

Whitney: Where the hell are my god damned glasses?!

Bobby: You wear glasses?

Whitney: Why isn't there a private screening room here?

Bobby: A whuh?

Whitney: And you call this marijuana?

Bobby: I bought the best I could afford...

Whitney: And who are you? And how much money do you want to make you go away?

Bobby: We've talked about this, $30 million and then I'll file the divorce papers.

Whitney: Sold! Where are swedish boys? I want my boys!

-Brandon Stahl