Harry Potter's Powerful Box Office Will Attack

Based on estimates from Warner Bros. studio executives, the opening of the film Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone will be so big that:

• The movie will obliterate all previous box office records. Harry Potter will make more money in 15 minutes than all of the world's previous films have made during the past 100 years combined.
  
  
• After 30 minutes, the executive producers of the film will each spontaneously orgasm and die.
  
  
• Four hours after its premiere, Harry Potter's box office will be recognized as its own country with its own GNP. After ten hours, the newly formed Harry Potterland's seat on the United Nations council will have to be much, much bigger than everyone else's. After twelve hours, Osama bin Laden will be forced to call a jihad against Harry Potterland. "I had to do something to slow it down," he will say.
  
  
• Harry Potterland and Harry Potter's box office will join with the U.S. in its fight against terrorism and evil warlocks. Both Osama bin Laden and Voldemort will nearly kill Harry Potter's box office in a climactic final scene, but magic and good fortune will save the day. It was hoped that both bin Laden and Voldemort were killed, but it will be suspected that they'll reappear for future adventures.
  
  
• After their victory, Harry Potter's box office will put an end to the recession and begin a new period of gluttony and free spending. Celebrating its newfound fortune, America will magically turn all Muslims into toads. Dick Cheney will be taken into hiding.
  
  
• During the first annual Harry Potter Day, actor Danielle Radcliffe will be dipped in gold and toured him around the globe.
  
  
• Dick Cheney will come out of hiding to bet on a Bears-Packers game.
  
  
• Harry Potter's box office will succeed in becoming a nation larger than the U.S., Russia, Great Britain, Germany and Italy combined. Harry Potterland will develops nuclear weapons. Harry Potterland supreme ruler J.K. Rowling will develop breast implants.
  
  
• Katie Couric's rectum will be probed by the Daniel Radcliffe statue.
  
  
• Harry Potterland supreme ruler J.K. Rowling along with prime minister Christopher Columbus and leading disciplinarian David Copperfield will vote to fold the world's nations into Harry Potterland. Those who oppose will be turned into chocolate frogs.
  
  
• Dick Cheney will be taken to a secret location.
  
  
• President Bush will denounce evil doers from his toad-like form. He will then be turned into a chocolate frog.
  
  
• Katie Couric's rectum will be taken to a secret location.
  
  
• George Clooney, Julia Roberts, Jim Carrey and several other superstars will hold a telethon hoping to raise enough money to be cast in the next Harry Potter movie.
  
  
• The world's military leaders will gather in secret to overthrow Harry Potterland's rulers. Unfortunately, their plot will be overheard by the meddlesome Hermione Granger.
  
  
• The meddlesome Hermione will be beaten, tortured and eaten by the world's military leaders.
  
  
• In a climactic battle, the world's military leaders will be defeated by J.K. Rowling's breasts. Dick Cheney will be placed in a secret location.
  
  
• Harry Potterland's rulers will finally decry that their opposition has been vanquished, with the exception of bin Laden, Voldemort and Cheney, who will yet to be found.
  
  
• The statue of Daniel Radcliffe will go missing after it makes an unfortunate, unscheduled stop at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
  
  
• J.K. Rowling's massive 800 pound breasts will accidentally turn half of the world's population into chocolate frogs.
  
  
• Michael Jackson will be eaten by his pet monkey. The Radcliffe statue will resurface inside Marlon Brando.
  
  
• The new location of the Radcliffe statue will cause the globe's ecosystem to collapses, implode and destroys the planet. The universe will be into chaos. The sun will devour the milky way. Harry Potter's Box Office will put an end to all life.
  
  
• Rowling will sell another book to Scholastic publishing.
  
  
• According to Rowling, the new book will deal with"an adult Harry. A grown up young man searching for his way."
  
  
• "Harry Potter and Katie Couric's Rectum" releases to rave reviews.
  
  
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets will release Christmas 2002. Movie executives and critics will expect another big opening, though not nearly as large as the first film.
  
  
• And not nearly as large as Katie Couric's rectum.

-Brandon Stahl