God: Gary, thanks for being on the show.

Bauer: It’s a pleasure to be here, God.

God: Gary, let’s get right down to it, you hate homosexuals, don’t you?

Bauer: Absolutely. I am the gay-hating candidate of the republican party. My entire life has been built on gay-hating. In fact, I’ve brought a chart here that show how many anti-gay things I’ve said in the past twenty-four hours as compared to the other candidates. I’ve even thrown in Pat Buchanon, just for good measure. As you can see, I’ve beaten all the other candidates 35-1. See, I spent all of 6pm to midnight last night repeating the phrase, “I hate those terrible, terrible gays.” My wife even shut me out of the house for awhile, but that did not stop my hatred of gays.

God: That’s fine, but I see you had some time here between 3 a.m. - 6 a.m. in which no anti-gay remarks were registered. What happened?

Bauer: I believe I was asleep on my doorstep during that time.

God: Are you telling us that you didn’t have any anti-gay dreams?

Bauer: I really don’t recall whether those dreams were gay-hating or...

God (interrupting): I see (yells off the microphone) Guards, get this man out of my sight.
*sound of Bauer being dragged off his chair and beaten*
God: If you don't have gay-hating dreams, then you don't have my vote.

Narrator: If you’re looking for the candidate who really hates gays, vote Alan Keyes for president. He’s the only candidate who has gay-hating dreams.

*Narrator: Paid for by the people to elect Al Gore*.