Buy Ameri...er, Bermudian!

During the past century, Houston-based Cooper Industries, maker of crescent wrenches and pliers; hardware-giant Stanley Works of Connecticut; and New Jersey-headquartered Ingersoll-Rand, whose jackhammers were used to chisel Mount Rushmore, have helped build the American dream. Why not join these capitalist tools—as well as Tyco, Enron, Global Crossing and countless insurance companies—in screwing the IRS out of $70 billion each year? How? Reincorporate in profit-friendly Bermuda! Though its 21 square miles of limestome already play host to 12,567 international firms, there’s room for plenty more. Just stick a paper umbrella in a pastel beverage, fill out the form below, and enjoy tax-free exile on a tropic isle without ever leaving the good old USA!

Congratulations, mon! You are now entitled to all the rights and privileges of a fully registered Bermuda corporation, including:

* a state-of-the-art 9-by-15 cm steel cubby at the St. George’s Post Office or a manilafolder in any local barrister’s file cabinet

* relief from capital gains and income taxes

* freedom from lawsuits by shareholders

* protection from any U.S. court judgments against you

* front-row seats at the May 24 fitted-dinghy races and Boxing Day gombey dances

* directions to the Bermuda Triangle

* uncorrected misspellings of the “colour” “grey”

* a cheery “Good morning” from Johnny Barnes, our native crackpot, who has been waving to commuters daily for decades without getting run over.

Now, be a good chap and send your cheque or money order for US $1,680 to:

The Ministry of Finance
Government Administration Building
30 Parliament Street
Hamilton, HM 12, Bermuda

-Cheryl Solimini