Bin There, Done That

On the eve of the second anniversary of 9/11, Arab satellite television channel Al Jazeera broadcast a videotape purporting to show Osama bin Laden alive as recently as this past May. But today American intelligence officials cast doubt on its authenticity.

After analyzing the voices and imagery, they point to subtle clues that the man seen walking with Al Qaeda lieutenant Ayman al-Zawahiri is not Bin Laden, nor was the recording made in 2003. The evidence:

• Spongebob Squarepants wrist watch. Bin Laden, a southpaw, always wore his on his right arm, NOT his left.

• Cellphone. "Bin Laden" halts taping to take call from casting director Mary Jo Slater.

• Facial hair. Elastic bands clearly visible each time "bin Laden" pulls down beard to scratch chin.

• Assault rifle. Not an AK-47, but a Super Soaker.

• Speech patterns. Linguists refute that "bin Laden's" blaming his high-pitched voice on "a cold caught in
t he caves of Waziristan" would also account for his Flatbush accent.

• Landscape. Botanists confirm that vegetation along the rocky trails seen are indigenous only to Bear
Mountain State Park.

• Anachronisms. Sophisticated audio-enhancement techniques reveal "bin Laden" asking al-Zawahiri: "Did
Rachel have her baby yet? And did she hook up with Ross or Joey?”

• Manolo Blahnik animal-print stilettos. SO two years ago.

3 1/2 Stars

- by Cheryl Solimini