Nobody Cares That Chandra Levy Is Missing

A recent poll of whether America believes Chandra Levy would be found brought back remarkable results. With only two boxes to check on the poll sheet, "yes" and "no," 100% of pollees chose to draw a third box with the words "couldn't give a rat's ass" and put a check by it. No comment from the rodent community at press time.

Gary Condit's Favorite Movie is "Wag the Dog"

Popular Congressman Gary Condit was outraged to find his local Blockbuster Video was out of "Wag the Dog," forcing him to rent "My Cousin Vinny." Upon telling the clerk "Wag" was his favorite movie, the worker suggested he buy the film if he liked it so much. Condit left the store in a huff, yelling, "I don't buy anything but silence."

Chandra Levy Has Anthrax

Former Congress intern Chandra Levy contracted Anthrax when she opened her bill from Sprint. Ten minutes after the story broke AT & T called her to see if she could be persuaded to switch her long distance carrier.

Chandra Levy Found

Twenty minutes after the story broke of Chandra Levy contracting Anthrax everyone realized that this also meant that Levy was no longer missing. Man, that's a relief.

Chandra Levy Drafted to Fight in Afghanistan

Chandra Levy, former abductee and Anthrax victim, was drafted to fight in Kabul by the U.S. government, just minutes before she would have talked to reporters about being missing. Congressman Gary Condit was quoted as saying, "She should do very well over there. It's not like I want her to die or anything though."

Chandra Levy Missing In Action

Chandra Levy, formerly missing Congress intern, is now a presently missing U.S. soldier. Gary Condit said he was confident that Levy could handle her present condition. "If anyone is used to being missing it's Chandra, just like I'm used to missing her." Satan could not be reached for comment.

-Eric Butterman