London, England -- Peter Buck, lead guitarist for the once-mega-rock group R.E.M., sauntered into a British courtroom to stand and be judged over his air rage accusation.

The lowdown was this: Traveling on a British Airways flight from Seattle to London, Buck didn't technically become so much enraged as intoxicated. Many passengers throw back a few before and after boarding. When Buck began
wildly singing revised song versions such as "Everybody Drinks" and "It's The End Of My Career As I Know It", the crew stopped serving. Prosecutor Edward Lewis told the court that Buck tried various tactics to get more alcohol, "even offering the crew money." Buck threatened an air steward, tightly wrapped his tie around his neck, and ripped up a "yellow card" warning from the captain. He then dug out several cards from his own pants, which he assured the captain were now yellow as well. Buck finally came to a rest as he toppled a food cart. In a stupor, Buck waved at females, and proceeded to slather himself with yogurt shouting,"the fruit's on the bottom."

Beverly Hills, California -- Actor Richard Harris, 71, gulped a good dose of Viagra for a recent hot date to prove that he may be late of Harry Potter (Headmaster Albus Dumbledore) but not gone.

Harris took his cutie out to dinner when movement on the beachhead advanced without warning. Harris admitted that the power-puff pill worked "too well." To further aggravate matters, Harris moved "himself" to airier quarters but
found exiting problematic. "I couldn't zip up my trousers," he said. Nonetheless, Harris' decision to leave the swank hotel the way he came in wasn't exactly true to form. With arms wrapped around his young companion, Harris made a slow look-ma-no-hands exit through the revolving doors.

Hollywood, California -- Actor Jeff Goldblum, 48 (Jurassic Park, Cats and Dogs) and Elizabeth Taylor, 69 (of Diamonds fame) are boyfriend and girlfriend. Hey, a junior-senior match-up hardly raises an eyebrow these days. And as Goldblum explains, "Elizabeth is simply a beautiful woman; we're as passionate as any romance would be."
Pegged at an intimate night spot, the two asked reporters to respect their privacy as the sommelier was trashed for presenting a ruined vintage. Goldberg visibly winced at the acidic sample, whereupon Taylor patted his back, cupping her hand to his mouth, mewing, "Spit, Jeffy, spit".

Island Park, New York -- The sleep-deprived inhabitants of Island Park are no stranger to traffic. Big traffic. Planes fly overhead from JFK International. It remains unexplained, but either the airlines better improve the signage for "restroom" and "exit" or someone's arms got very tired, as a male body fell from the sky.

According to Nassau County Police, this wasn't the first time someone who skipped earth science tried to hitch a ride by hiding in the plane's landing gear. Nevertheless, some residents delved into the mystic. Tony (AKA
"Little Hernia") Trustavo, saw a bigger hand at work. "This guy, right down the street, nice guy, tips the trash boys at Christmas like we ask, nice guy, except maybe he dented my Lincoln, but nice guy, disappears. Like that- like a freakin' fog. Whatd'ya gonna do? And then two days later, he falls from the sky. Right in front of me. Like it was a sign or something. Eerie, right?"

Tempe, Arizona -- According to Tom Parker, he and Satan are best buds. It all started when the state employee, tired of perusing spreadsheets, was fired for punching up some Web porn while at work. And he used the
department's credit card to pay for it. But Parker claims that it's all Satan's fault. As far as he was concerned,
it was only curiosity: "to see what kind of smut was available out there." For Satan, it was another in a series of successful infomercials. "Nude Girls - Available this millennium only!" Parker was sold. He then became drawn into "an endless loop of demonic filth that kept taking me deeper and deeper." Parker attempted to throw back Satan time and again. An hour later, "Satan told me to check it out some more", said Parker, "I thought it was harmless to go on the free tour."

After that, as Tom recalls, it was the usual scenario: Satan picking up the tab whenever they kicked back a few; replacing the drums on the pickup and splaying a couple of dozen cats at midnight. Parker felt clearheaded for the first time in decades. "Beelzy told me to withdraw my IRA funds and set up a company to distribute junk bonds. Once I got investors, all I had to do was promise incredible returns. Then, instead of telling them the company tanked, I quickly returned half their money. Beelzy told me he got the idea from 'The Producers.' But he said that scheme
was flawed because you never returned a cent. If they get something back, they assume it was legitimate and don't look any further. Then he told me to open a nursing home; get a hundred seniors and two thousand social security
numbers. And he whispered , 'Benefits. You do the math.'"

But Parker concedes Satan is not as all powerful as he had thought. "He got me front row tickets to 'The Producers.' 'Wow,' I thought, 'does this guy have connections.' Then what'd'ya know? Understudies!"

Short Takes

Cairo, Egypt -- Police broke into the home of a grave-digger after the cemetery found some inventory missing. It seems that Ahmed Saleh had a closet-full of skeletons that he sold to medical students. As police arrested him, Saleh defended himself saying, "Doesn't everybody take a few pencils home from the office?"

San Paulo, Brazil -- Guards in Amparo Prison found themselves suddenly surrounded by a group of seventeen convicts, one of them holding a gun. Sort of. The gun was cardboard, part an impromptu arts and crafts project by an
inmate. Although questions pertaining to the guard's complicity have arisen, witnesses report that the toilet roll nozzle was indeed loaded.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida -- When the county sheriff's department got the call to retrieve a human arm in a canal behind a supermarket, it was nothing new to an area infested with alligators. And though some may fault Broward county spokeswoman Vera Tolkin for her initial pragmatism ("If someone was missing a right arm, they would have come forward by now"), she left nothing to chance, bolting to the SuperStop's mic: "Attention shoppers
and amputees. All appendages are now in courtesy."

Addis Ababa, Ethiopia -- Doctors at the mental clinic never paid much attention to Geza Debbe's stomach complaints. After all, he seemed a healthy, scrappy little fellow over the last twenty years. Finally receiving attention, an X-ray revealed over 200 rusty nails, keys and coins. Though doctors are astounded that he was able to function
normally, such is the mettle of man. And who says that you can't leave this world with more than you came in
with? And remember, it's what's on the inside that counts. But when this guy has to tinkle, he's not kidding.

After the operation, Geza's friend Sefa Boldu was relieved. "He would drive me crazy," said Boldu, "I used to tell him, 'I hate it when you play with the change in your pocket and lower intestine!'"

Dallas, Texas -- Timothy Hultch and his brother-in-law, Jake Barlow climbed into a metal cage and strapped themselves to a chair that rose to dangle them from a 120-foot-high tower. The fact that the supposed "shark cage" was not suspended over any body of water did not immediately faze the pair, expecting a face-off dunk in the
nearby water tower with a deep-sea predator. The ride, at the Gravity-Up! Amusement Park worked as bungee rides usually do: It threw the cage 150 feet into the air at 70 mph. With one hitch. When the bungee cord snapped.
Gregory Carr and his brother-in-law intuitively used the precious few seconds in mid-air to bring the situation into focus. "We heard something pop, and had a notion it weren’t quite right".

As the cage rammed the side of a support tower, a back-up cable saved the pair from demonstrating how meat by-products are processed. Some hours later, Mr. Hultch and Mr. Barlow regained consciousness, relatively speaking, at Mercy General Hospital. Mr. Hultch, despite sporting a gash on his leg that required some 13 stitches to close, wore his scar as a badge of honor; although this was the first and last time, declaring that he "never even saw the shark coming." Mr. Barlow nodded in agreement, (and according to reports is still continuing to do so) adding, "Lookey here: you can do just about anything you set your mind to it -- and even when you don't."

This was not the first incident at Gravity Amusement, and more specifically in a thrill industry yet to be regulated. Carl Tilbert, who runs the park's popular "Barnyard Bungee" attraction, agreed to speak on the condition that he was permitted to mask his appearance by pressing two fingers to his upper lip. "When we set 'er up," explained Mr. Tilbert, "we had a local boy who won one of them Duncan yo-yo square-off's and we had him come down and give
'er a yank -- that was about it."

Regrettably, certified bungee inspectors are few and far between. "I had a band snap on the bovine chute," Mr. Tilbert related, "and this heifer went a-flyin' for the interstate. It was terrible to imagine. But when she landed
just inside the property, why, we couldn't sell enough tickets -- jacked up the prices, too."

The park's owner, Bob E. Bob, later reached by hound dogs, made a brief statement: "If I say 'no comment ; that count as a comment?" Sidney Fields, the "unofficial mayor" of Brentwood Gardens Condominiums in Coral Gables, FL . and the author of "Xspleenation", an exposé on the world of bungee, offers an insight into the phenomenon. "It's America," says Mr. Fields, "if you can't be an astronaut or a brain surgeon or an MPV you can still can still bungee enough G's to whip your brain against the inside of your skull. Then it takes them a good goddamn half-hour to figure out how to get the toilet roll into the holder."

Rio De Janeiro, Brazil -- Every business reaches a saturation point. So it's no surprise that Brazil, as the world's biggest coffee producer, is looking for new markets. The campaign, "Cafes do Brazil," aims to reach 5 or 6
million new coffee drinkers this year, all of them children. The government-supported program will sponsor drawing competitions for 7-year-olds, and plans to include coffee as the drink of choice. And if the habit may require some inducement, free snacks are available only with the java.

Carlos Brando, the campaign's consultant, said consumption is up over 20 percent: "More than 1 million school children have been addic… I mean reached."

Many parents are pleased. Jorge Santiago, whose 8 year old son, Manny now starts the day with a triple-espresso and Sambuca, was always dragging his feet to school; now according to Jorge, Manny seems very energetic. "Last
year," beamed Jorge, "I could never get him up in the morning or keep him up at night to do his work… sometimes he's up now for 30, 40 hours at a clip.

Once I didn't see him all weekend. So I went to the police station. They told me, "Don't worry, it's routine; they always show up in school Monday morning -- it's French vanilla with anisette."

Bel Air, California -- Coming off of his good-natured stint on "I Dream Of Jeannie," actor Larry Hagman successfully turned a 360 for his role as the chief bad boy JR in "Dallas", yet this latest gyration leaves Billy Bob
looking like Mr. Rogers in comparison. It seems Hagman wants his cremated ashes to be sprinkled into a freshly
planted wheat field. Once the wheat is harvested into our daily bread, Hagman wants the loaves served to his closest friends and family as a remembrance.

The instructions are specific: the bread should not be slathered with butter, due to Hagman's high LDL; and margarine's, along with any trans-fatty acids, are verboten as well. Hagman is looking to be lightly brushed with a virgin cold-pressed olive oil. His will also stipulates that he not be prepared as a bruschetta, since tomato-herb combinations invariably "repeat on me".

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