The recent capture of the Washington serial snipers and the arrests of suspected al-Qaeda members in Portland, Oregon, and Buffalo, New York, show that terrorists may lurk anywhere in America. In addition, the cases of accused "dirty bomber" Jose Padilla and Taliban fighter John Walker Lindh indicate that many native-born Americans may be terrorist agents. For the safety and security of our nation, Americans must continue to be defiant, alert and prepared to respond to a significant risk of terrorist attacks. We ask all citizens to be aware of any suspicious activity and to report it to local authorities or the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Here are some suspicious activities that should be reported:

• Anyone who recently vacationed in a country with lax immigration controls, such as Pakistan, Afghanistan, or Germany.
  
  
• Anyone who speaks in a Middle Eastern—or more ominously—a Claude Rains French accent.
  
  
• Anyone who's proficient with Tarot cards, three-card monte, or pinochle.
  
  
• Anyone who listens to subversive musicians such as Cat Stevens, Steve Earle, or Barbra Streisand.
  
  
• Anyone who argues that minors shouldn't get the death penalty.
  
  
• Anyone who recently joined a gym. At least five of the Sept. 11 hijackers pumped iron at Gold's Gym in Greenbelt, Maryland, less than a week before the attacks. After all, what's more American than a beer belly?
  
  
• Anyone who compares our president's IQ to that of a piece of pumpkin pie.
  
  
• Anyone who has a name starting with "Al." Yes, that would include Woody Allen, but you wouldn't want him loitering in your neighborhood anyway.
  
  
• Anyone who buys nails, fertilizer, or other ingredients for weapons of mass destruction at Home Depot, a.k.a. "Home Despot.''
  
  
• Anyone who scrawls "I am God" or the dyslexic "I am Dog" on a grocery list.
  
  
• Anyone who tries to use "Iraq,'' "anthrax,'' or "ACLU'' in Scrabble.
  
  
• Anyone who drives a white van or box truck. While the serial snipers were captured in a blue Chevy Caprice, it's still prudent to report those suspicious white vans.
  
  
• Anyone who owns more than three firearms and is not a member of the NRA.
  
  
• Anyone who lurks around national monuments with pocket cameras, tourist maps, and clothing with slogans such as: "My cousin Mohammed went to Mecca and all I got was this lousy headscarf.''
  
  
• Anyone who reads subversive publications such as The Nation, Harper's, or Oprah's O magazine.
  
  
• Anyone, such as accused terror conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui, who expresses a desire to have four wives.
  
  
• Anyone from Florida, where at least 12 of the hijackers lived or received flight training.
  
  
• Anyone who complains about the administration's Enron ties, the vice president's oversight of Halliburton's finances, or anything that might distract the nation from achieving a regime change in Iraq.
  
  
• Anyone who refuses to eat a ballpark hot dog. As everyone knows, Muslim extremists shun pork products.
  
  
• Anyone who can't remember all the words to "America the Beautiful'' or who prefers the socialistic lyrics of Woody Guthrie's "This Land Is Your Land.''
  
  
• Anything French -- whether it be bread, fries, or salad dressing.
  
  
• Anyone who won't contribute to his or her local Citizens Corps or Neighborhood Watch groups. Donations of spy cameras, duct tape, or Arabic-English dictionaries will suffice.
  
  
• Anyone who suddenly grows a beard. That's one more reason not to trust Al Gore.