An urgent message to our customers:

No more High speed internet service at this time. No, that porn mpeg you're trying to download at this very moment will never download. Really, we had to shut down your internet connection so we could stop bleeding money like Robert Downey Jr. in a Tiajuana crack house. For crise-sake, that download has been stuck on 32% for three days now. It's not that good anyway. I've seen it. The footage is really grainy.

A message from our CEO:

Walt Walterson (he just looks a lot like Nixon)

Dear Subscribers,
You are very dear to my heart. Without you, there'd be no one to pay my 7 million dollar yearly bonuses, my Mount Olympus of a bonus package, (you bet viagra is covered by my health insurance!) or my ridiculously inflated salary. For mailing in that $49.95 check every month, I truly thank you.

For just a moment, I want everyone to join me in a few thoughts as we reflect on the death of this great company. I want you to try to step into my shoes. You can feel what it's like to be me. Now I want you to imagine having your own comedy troup around to re-enact all of your favorite scenes from Hogan's Heroes or any other fabulous Nick-at-Nite sitcom. Fun eh? Throw in a little Mary Tyler Moore? Love American Style? Now imagine if it wasn't really a comedy troupe at all, but the board of directors of General Motors Inc..

That is what 30 billion dollars will buy you my friends. Thirty billion dollars was what this company was worth last fall. Now it's only worth $2.99, three proofs of purchase of Golden Graham's Cereal and a self-addressed-stamped envelope. Now you're all wondering. Do I, Walt Walterson care? Fuck No. I sold all my stock this spring. I've got more Swiss Bank Account numbers than chromosones.

Thanks for all the checks,

Tou-dou-loo!

Walt