Landers Fooled Again!

Dear Ann:

I hope you can help me with an unusual problem. My saintly teenage daughter was recently invited to a condom-on-the-head-prescription-med slumber party, where girls get naked, place condoms on the top of their heads, and then proceed to run around outside ding-dong-ditching as many houses as possible. They do all this while getting drunk and popping their parents prescription meds. My daughter assured me there would be no boys present.

I called the mother of the girl and talked to her about this party, who told me that condoms-on-the-head-prescription-med slumber parties are all the rage these days. She also assured me that a force-field would be put around her neighborhood so that any boy caught wandering inside would be immediately sterilized.

Though I have never heard of such a thing and cannot imagine why a bunch of 15- and 16-year-old girls would place condoms on top their heads and spend hours together stark naked and high, I was wondering if there was any way to break into this party without becoming sterile.

Curious Boy in Burlingame, Calif.

Dear Curious,
I'm just as curious as you are! While walking around nude with condoms on your noggin may be an interesting experiment, and sleeping nude with condoms on appendages while high on your mother's asthma medicine has long been popular, I cannot imagine the appeal of doing either with a bunch of other girls in close quarters. However, as long as you trust the mother of these girls has an effective force-field in place, I see no way to break in.

Meanwhile, if you have a sister or a mother, ask them if they find this to be an attractive idea. You might learn something.

Dear Ann,
I just found the best way to make money. You should try it, too! All you have to do is forward this message to at lest three people YOU know and you too will receive the following FREE prizes from these fantastically great companies:

• Cash from Microsoft!
• Shirts, shoes and white executives from Nike!
• A trip for two to Walt Disney World or $5,000 cash from Disney, your choice!
• Your own Mafia!
• A lifetime supply of Mike & Ike's!
• Three thousand IBM computer magizmos!
• An African government!
• J. Crew models!
• Time machines from Honda!
• Other!

Lmrgmystery X398 in Hotcams, NY!

Dear Hotcams,
This is pure gold, readers! Aren't you glad that we live in a day and age where an African government can be yours simply by forwarding an email? Technology is truly amazing. But be careful: sometimes you get what you pay for. Though I probably won't be complaining when my time machine arrives via U.S. mail.

Dear Ann,
I read your letter last week "The Call Was From Inside the House!" and have my own sad, horrific story to share. Just so you know that this story is true, this was told to me by a friend of a friend who watched it on the news after hearing it on the radio after reading about it on the Internet about a year or so ago.

It's about this girl who was baby-sitting. The parents had gone out to a very big party and had left their infant child at home with this sixteen-year-old girl. Later that night the parents phoned to see if everything was all right. She said, "Oh, fine. Everything's great. The turkey's in the oven. The mother went, "Oh, okay, fine," and she hung up. Then she looked at her husband and went, "The turkey's in the oven? We didn't have a turkey!" So they decided they had better go home and see what was the matter.

When they walked in the house they saw the baby-sitter sitting in a chair freaking out. She had put the little infant in the oven and had thought it was a turkey!

That Baby Was Me in the Oven, CA

Dear Baby,
Thank you for sharing this lesson for my readers: do not under any circumstances leave your child at home with a 16 year old girl. By the time you come home they'll have condoms on their heads and your baby in the oven! These days kids need to learn to grow up, rather than down. Or even sideways, which is what I hear is "hip" these days.

Dear Ann,
Just wanted to warn your readers: Yesterday I opened up a can of Pepsi only to find several syringes hidden inside! That's not the kind of prize that I want for my family. Especially a family in the condition that we've found ourselves in: Last month we were swimming in a community swimming pool, and a now we've found out that we're all pregnant, despite the fact that we're all still virgins. How did this happen? Turns out it was from boys who ejaculated in the pool that morning. No one bothered to clean it up, and no one knows why!

Concerned in the Lovenstein Institute of Scranton, PA

Dear Concerned,
Oh God, that's horrible--one of the worst things I've ever heard. Please stay right where you are. Under the advice of my sister I've called the police, who are thankfully coming to arrest you and your heroin riddled, whoring household. That is, as soon as they've find out where the Lovenstein Institute of Scranton, Pennsylvania is located.

Dear Ann,
For 36 years I've been frozen in cryogenic storage with nothing but an empty bottle of brandy to keep me entertained. Just wanted to share.

Uncle Walter Under Pirates, CA

Dear Walter,
Thank you for letting me know that there is life after death.

Dear Ann,
After reading your letter "Putting My Dentures in Coke Dissolved Them Overnight" I thought I'd share another Coke-Cola warning. Not only does the beverage contain cocaine, but if you combine it with aspirin you'll get an incredible high. Strange but True!

Coked Out in Chicago

Dear Coked,
I didn't believe you when I read your letter--I'm an ace at spotting a hoax. So I did a little investigating, ate a couple of aspirin and washed it down with a Coke. Three days later I woke up naked lying next to John Denver's grave. Thanks for the tip!

Dear Ann,
I knew that September 11th was going to happen five months before it did, and yet I did nothing to stop it, and now everyone's making fun of me. Also, I've been impregnated by octopus eggs after sitting on the toilet. What should I do, my parents will kill me!?

George D In Deep S in the White H.

Dear George,
I'm a little short on time, so please pick from the following for your answer: Time heals all wounds. Your friends will forgive and forget. If your friends make fun of you then they shouldn't be your friends in the first place. Friends come and go but carpet stains last forever. A stitch in time saves nine. Be careful what you ask for. Puppies are adorable, guns are dangerous but both should be used with care. Senior citizens can't handle their own money. You need marriage counseling. I heartily endorse this pizza franchise.

-Brandon Van Burren