Smoking Causes Cancer!

A new report released today reveals lighting up conclusively leads to the big "C." So all these lawsuits have been completely justified. I mean, it's not as if we've known for the last 30 years that cigarettes are harmful or anything, right? Well, there was one episode of the Brady Bunch when Greg is told by good ol' Mike and Carol that smoking is bad for your health...But we can't rely on the general public to have seen it. And, then there's...

COMMON SENSE. Now, I don't know about you, but one could conclude if you need to light something on fire and then have smoke release from your nostrils, maybe there's something wrong? Okay, you're in a burning building, what's the one thing you've got to do? Keep low. Why? Smoke. Oh, but that's because inhaling smoke is bad for you. When you use your cig, you exhale smoke, and therefore...it's good for you?

Look, they never did an official health study on the guillotine, but I think one can surmise that getting your noggin sliced off Ginsu-style is probably going to lead to an early grave. And, just as easily, I think one can figure out if something involves breathing and smoke then it's probably bad for you. "Oh, please, Judge, give us millions of dollars because we're stupid," "We didn't know," "It's big tobacco's fault. They lied to us."

Wrong, you lied to yourself. You also lied to yourself when your kid was around taking in that secondhand smoke, too. Nah, just blame it on big tobacco. And, while you're at it, blame Budweiser for your drinking problem. Blame TV for your laziness. And blame me for not empathizing. Because I don't. But I still love you.

-Eric Butterman