Jenny's Teen Advice

6-year-old Jenny Graten, a sophomore at Centralville High School in Anderson, IN, drops by every other week to dish the advice on everything teen. If you would like to ask Jenny a question, write to lostbrain@lostbrain.com attn: Jenny (Editor’s Note: We’re serious, please feel free to ask her a question).

Prizes go to anyone willing to count how many times she uses the word “like” in her column.

February 20, 2000

Hey my peeps! I am in like such a good mood this week! This really hot guy asked me out on a date, and I was all “Okay, yeah!” and he was like “Yeah, okay.” He is like, a big jerk and everything, and he’s really snobby, but he is really hot and popular, so I can’t wait! On to the questions:

Dear Jenny,
I have a really big crush on my little sister, I mean, she is HOT, what should I do?
- Joseph Theroun

Dear Joe,
Oh my god, Joe, that is so sick! She’s, like, younger than you and everything! If you got married, she like wouldn’t have to change her name and your kids would look just like you! That would be cute! But, no, eew!

Dear Jenny,
I went to the movie 'Toy Story 2' with my girlfriend and I cried. She told everyone at school and now I get stripped and pushed out of the boys locker room on a daily basis. Can you help me?
-Nude sissy man

Dear Sissy,
Speaking of movies, did you see “The Beach” with Leonardo DiCaprio and that French girl? Wasn’t Leo like, sooo good in it? Leo is such a great actor, and he’s so hot, too. He should be in more movies. I didn’t get “The Matrix.” It was so stupid and confusing, but Keanu Reeves was totally cool in it. He’s got nice pecs.

You cried at a kids' movie?! Oh my god! I mean, hello! You deserve to get beat up; you are such a crybaby! I would NEVER date a guy who cried at a kids' movie, my suggestion: Think about living alone in the woods the rest of your life, or an old house with 29 cats, because you’ll never ever in your whole life live this down! Oh my god! What a wuss!

Dear Jenny,
My boyfriend got really mad at me because I told him that I was going to marry Nick Carter from the Backstreet Boys, but I can still date my boyfriend until then, can’t I?
- Mrs. Carter

Dear Mrs. Carter,
Isn’t Nick a cutie?! They should kick A.J. out of the band; I would listen to them more if they got rid of the ugly one. I really think that they would sound better if they got rid of A.J. And you can still date your boyfriend. Who says you have to stay single until you marry your dream man? (Crushes are so cute.) Good luck! I personally want to marry Matt Damon; my god, is he a hottie!

Dear Jenny,
I really want to marry an old rich man, but I think I need breast implants. My friends say that I would be too big, and bras are really expensive and stuff, but it would be worth it if I could get a rich man.
- Gold digger

Dear Goldie (Isn’t that a cute nickname!),
Get the big boobs, definitely (could they do any harm?), then you can go on “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire” (I loved that show! I would go on if I were old enough).
*Editors Note: Jenny, you are old enough.*

If you don’t get a rich guy, at least you could get a really hot guy who’s into big boobs or something. Have you tried hanging around a country club or taking up golf? I hear that old men like golf. I want breast implants, too, but Brittany Spears got them, and she is such a whore. All my friends like her and stuff, but I think she’s ugly, but her music isn’t bad, you know, for slut music.

Dear Jenny
I really like this girl in my math class, but I have lots of zits. She won’t even go near me, its like a have mono or something! Help me out here, please, Jenny. You da man (or woman)!
Help me please

Dear Help me,
Okay, once, I dated this guy who had, like, major pizza face, but he was, like, really popular and stuff, and he had a really nice ass. But he was so gross! His face was all like, oily and stuff, and he tried to make out with me, I was like “No way, you’ll get it on me!” Does that answer your question? And what’s mono, by the way? Is it like some sort of skin thing? Oh my god, my friend Nickie, she has this, like, thing, and she has to take this stuff, and, you know, one of those things?

Got a problem that only a 16-year-old girl can help you with? Write Lostbrain@lostbrain.com, attn: Jenny.

Please note: Jenny will be making a personal appearance at the Anderson Mall inside the Gap. She will be signing autographs from 3 to 4.

Read Jenny's Last Column Here

-Jenny Graten