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Before I begin, I would like to thank the fine people of Lostbrain.com for allowing me this forum to speak on an issue very close to my heart and, indeed, the hearts of many. That topic is drunk driving.

I have been a drunk driving activist for twelve years, educating people at schools, churches, flea markets, and Neutral Milk Hotel concerts on our nation's drunk driving problem and the various troubles and hassles facing our nation's drunk drivers. I feel highly qualified in this role, as I myself have been a drunk driver since the mid-seventies.

The drunk driver is no different than any other person, save the reckless disregard for human life. We are not the stereotypes of drunken yahoos with CAT hats and "Beaver Patrol" shirts. Well, I am. And so are most of my friends. But there are also drunk driving lawyers, drunk driving doctors, drunk driving Massachusetts Senators, and so on.
Drunk driving is backed by a long and noble heritage. The writings of Roman scholar Diodorus Siculus relate that Alexander the Great was noted as much for drunken charioteering as for his military prowess. It was rumored that a Socratic dialogue, "On Wine and Horsemanship" was among the documents destroyed when the Library at Alexandria burned. Henry the Eighth often demanded that his steeds be given flasks of mead before fox hunts. Catherine the Great was also known for getting horses drunk, but for different purposes.

America today is finally beginning to allow DDs to crash through the "glass windshield" that has held us back for so long. We currently have the first openly drunk driving president since Andrew Jackson. Chicago and L.A. have thriving DD communities, as more and more people feel free to come out to their families and friends that they are Mobile Inebriators.

Despite strides made over the last five to ten years by DD activists, a group with which I am proud to be associated (I have wobbled on the shoulders of giants), the picture is not altogether rosy for your average drunkenly-able motorist.

You see, many drunk drivers have families, families they love and cherish. I myself have two children who are the lights of my life. When I come home from the factory every day, my darlings run into my arms. "Daddy's home! Daddy's home! Alive!" Its like a daily celebration. And what do you do at a celebration? You throw back a few. And I want to be in full celebratory mode when my angels look up at me with their big blue eyes as if to say, "I'm glad the restraining order's been lifted." That's the part of DD life that the critics don't see.

Now those selfsame critics ask a lot of questions. I don't judge those critics for their lifestyle choice, although regrettably the same cannot be said for them. There's an old DD saying, "Sober as a judge means as judgmental as a sober." I blame the media, personally.

But the question comes up, "Why do you drunks always flee the scene?" That question stems from sheer ignorance, I'm afraid. We're not "fleeing." It's a considered, rational move. I'm no EMT, no fireman. I know my limitations; I leave the doctoring to the doctors, the nursing to the nurses, and the gravedigging to the gravediggers. It's a moral choice, you see.

"But why not wait for the professionals? Or at least notify them?" Well, that's because every DD knows that the blame is laid on the entire drunk driving community. Especially when kids are involved. You'll be sitting at home because you're tired after a long day of work or because you got banned from another tavern. You'll flip on the TV and the first thing you see is some home video of some kids. Oh, aren't they cute? Adorable. All of a sudden, boom. The screen goes black and the words "So and so were killed by a drunk driver on such and such a date." The cute kids were just a trap! A set-up! It's a buzzkill, man. That commercial almost ruined the Super Bowl for me.

Others have asked me, "Why did you kill my grandma you son of a," well, I won't repeat what they said. But bear this in mind: Drunk drivers are almost entirely without prejudice based on age, race, class, or gender. Ordinary "soberites" discriminate in matters of life and death. Only drunk drivers and God kill indiscriminately.

I would like to again thank Lostbrain.com for offering me this opportunity to speak on this important issue. Hopefully, a few people learned something from this. If not, well, I only have to defend myself to my wife, my priest, my lawyer, and other people who can't testify against me.

Thank you.

-- Bud Coors, President of DDAM, Drunk Drivers Against Mothering, as told to Paul Dailing

-Paul Dailing