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A Real, Live Woman Talks
About Real, Live Sex
My first sexual experience involved my next door neighbor
and a Rainbow Bright sheet set, with the ever present threat
of my mother being in the next room. He was six and I was
five. It lasted less than five minutes and
didn't extend beyond "I'll show you mine and you show
me yours." I left feeling unsatisfied and confused.
My second sexual experience involved a lot of whiskey
and his brother's bed, with the ever present threat of his
mother being in the next room. He was 21, and I was 19.
It lasted less than five minutes and didn't extend
beyond "I'll show you mine and then I'll pass out."
I left feeling unsatisfied and confused.
I'm 24 now and have done a lot of what my grandmother
pretends I've never done at all. Sometimes I wonder what
the hell I am doing. Am I doing it right? Am I doing it
good? My last fling thought it would be cute and funny
to tell all of our friends that I (no pun intended) sucked.
Oh, thank you so much. Did I suck before or after you went
limp and muttered about condom sensitivity for an hour?
And as usual, I developed a complex over it. So let's
talk about sex. Let‚s talk about all the good things
and all the
bad things.
1. I Haven't Been Able to Become Aroused Since My Ex-Girlfriend
Left Me
Pick up lines should have a hall of fame. And that line
should never make it in there. But some of them do and some
of them work. You just have to find the melody.
Ones that have worked for me are "You make me feel
like a man", "You blew the rest of these girls
away" and "Can I buy you a drink?"
That first one spawned a two year relationship--which in
the end put me in therapy, but of course that's not the
point. In the beginning, there was light. And in the beginning
there is line after line after line after line. Which is
a brilliant segue to....
2. I Respect You
I've been respected by a lot of men, who no longer speak
to me or probably know my name anymore. It's almost like
foreplay for guys. E.g., "You don't need to worry about
that, of course I respect you," I was once told about
ten minutes before the act of intercourse began. He dumped
me a month later.
3. To Call Or Not To Call, That Is the Question
It's not technique or prowess or size that matters, it's
the morning after phone call that is the most important
part of sex to me--any girl for that matter. We want to
feel as though all those compromising positions we stretched
into the previous night were worth it.
On the flip side, sometimes we decide that last night
wasn't all that super. As a matter of fact, we think as
we're washing our sheets, that guy was lame and incredibly
un-savvy. I dumped a guy after we slept together. Girls
can be insensitive, too.
4. Whipped Cream, Anyone?
Guys chalk you up as a bad lay if you don't want to experiment.
But when is the right time to bring out the whips and chains?
When do you inform your partner that you're bored most of
the time and if it's all the same to him you'll just catch
up on some reading until he's done?
Good sex is a long term issue for a girl and a short term
issue for a guy. I've never had good sex, so I wouldn't
know...but I hear it's out there. And I do enjoy whipped
cream.
5. You've Been Tested, Haven't You?
Ahh....the eternal afterthought. A surefire mood killer.
Nine times of out ten, this discussion doesn't occur until
after you are lying there aglow in each other's intimate
bodily fluids. Will be you taking Valtrex in six months
or will you be meeting each other's parents? It's a coin
toss.
Yes, I've been tested. I am proud to report that I am
free of any and all social diseases. I was so happy that
as I was walking out of the clinic, I did a Mary Katherine
Gallagher-esqe move while whispering "clean."
Being tested is scary. It's traumatic. G.I. Joe and I
both say that knowing is half the battle.
6. Giving Is Better Than Receiving
Not always. And not when you know he was just peeing. I've
always been touch and go on this one. My first boyfriend
always wanted it. I would walk into his house and he would
just about pull down his pants and look at me as if to say
"well?" Since then, I haven't been incredibly
into it. On the occasion that I do go down on a guy, I hear
a chorus of
children singing the Oscar Meyer Weiner song, which really
screws with my concentration.
I have always had that "do I smell?" anxiety.
It's never worked--if you will--for me anyway, so I will
politely decline. Why bother, you know? Why should I lay
there for 45 minutes wishing I was somewhere else when I
could go to sleep that much faster? Guys look at oral sex
like a trade off, anyway. You scratch my back and I‚ll...you
get the picture.
7. It's The Size, Not How You Use It
Sometimes, it can be too big. There it is, what every diminutive
man [gratuitous spite: all but one of my ex's could stand
for some serious pump action down there] wants to hear.
Too big hurts. Too little gets described in graphic detail
to my girlfriends and laughed at. Average is ok, guys. We
like average.
8. Before They Got Caught, Milli Vanilli Won a Grammy
I've done it, you've done it and we'll all do it again.
Short of yawning and looking at your watch, faking an orgasm
is sometimes the only out. Guys say it's the worst thing
you can do. They say they would rather have you tell them
they are inadequate before you would "do that."
Right. And did you also know that unicorns exist and Bigfoot
lives in the woods behind my house?
The thing about faking an orgasm is that it has to come
off as real. It's almost as much work as having an actual
orgasm. That's something guys don't understand. We are working
for you; we want you to feel good about yourselves. And,
when we finally get to that point where we start thinking
about our grocery list instead of the "pleasure",
it's time to start moaning and call it a night.
9. Speech 101
Have you ever had to give a speech in front of a large group
of people? One that you spent hours preparing and practicing
in front of the mirror until you felt as though your speech
would simultaneously unify the world and bring the planets
into alignment. You feel good, confident, and strong. Because
it's just you, by yourself with no distractions?
When you actually get in front of that crowd, however,
it's a whole new experience. The stress of being on display
has made you bloated and shaky. Your mind is flying, at
once wondering if your stove is on and what the hell comes
after
your intro?
You forget who you are and your mouth goes dry. You don't
want to picture them in their underwear like all the "How
To Be At Ease In Public" books tell you. You want to
go home and get under the covers where it's safe. You wonder
if the people in the back are snickering, you wonder if
the clothes you picked out are cool, you wonder if you have
toilet paper stuck to your shoe. All these things rush through
your mind and you just want to scream or cry or hyperventilate!
You want to get the hell out of there!
This is what it feels like to be naked in front of a man.
10. And In The End....
"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the
love you make...." is part of a Lennon/McCartney creation.
It was their last bit of wisdom they imparted on the world
before the Beatles took their final bow. I find it works
for just about every situation and every problem.
In a recent conversation with my ex--oddly enough trying
to comfort him over a recent break-up--I told him that when
you are with someone you love and they have faults or flaws
or do things you don't think are "right", then
if they truly care about you and love you, they overlook
them and accept you for who you are and what you are and
how you got there. And sex becomes the wonderful experience
it was meant to be.
So, always remember to play nice and play fair. Don't
smear your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend‚s name unless they
really deserve it. And have mind blowing sex whenever you
can.
- Stephanie
Austin
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