Don't Let Women Onto OUR Golf Course!

All around the country there has been an outcry from women's rights movements to allow females into the world's most prestigious country club, Augusta National, home of the Masters Golf Tournament, and thus Tiger Woods.

To that, we we say, NEVER!

We the undersigned members of Augusta National do not want women anywhere near our golf course, let alone Tiger Woods. We have gone well over a hundred years without a single female member at our prestigious fraternity. During this time we have become happy, rich and free of disease. Most importantly: we've played outstanding golf.

Admitting women would change that.

Why? Because it's a known fact that women have:
• Ovaries
• Breasts
• Vaginas

And thus are capable of:
• Reproducing

Therefore they will likely:
• Seduce us on our golf course.
• Bare our illegitimate children, threaten to sell them on the open market if we don't meet their outrageous demands of marrying them.

THUS DISTRACTING US, AND LOWERING OUR GOLF SCORES

It should be noted that, despite what is being rumored in the media, we are not a collection of wealthy gays out to keep our oral sex sessions on the 15th hole a secret. It is a fact that Augusta National Country Club does not admit single men or homosexuals. We are all married men. Happily married. Though the last time we saw our wives was twenty years ago when they told us they were going out to the store to buy milk, we are certain that at some point they will return to make us dinner and iron our shirts.

And though we miss them, without our women around we've been able to become rich and devote hours to the golf course. In short, our pocket books have never been thicker, our golf games have never been better.

Damnit, we will keep it that way.

Signed,

Hugh Downs
Member
Augusta National Country Club