Follow along with the sprightly yet mightly cute L'il Darren Baker as he puts himself face to face each week with perilous danger!

Narrator: It's GO CUBS TIME as L'il Darren Baker is in his team's locker room celebrating his BELOVED Cubby Bears long-awaited victory over the dreaded Atlanta Braves!

Darren: Yay! Dinosaurs! ROAR!

Narrator: But OH NO! That's not Apple Cider! Someone's trying pour an entire bottle of champagne down little Darren the Adorable's throat! WHO would do such a dastardly deed?!

Chipper Jones: Nothing can stop me now! Nah ha!

Narrator: Chipper Jones! What kind of treachery WON'T Jones stoop to?

Jones: Once Darren is gone, Hooters will be mine!

Narrator: Can Darren… Hooters? What the?

*COMMERCIAL*

Little Darren Baker is brought to you by O.B. Tampons

And Budweiser! The King of Beers!

*END OF COMMERCIAL*

Narrator: Who will save L'il Dandy Darren from Chipper's Champagne NIGHTMARE and booze-addled BUZZ KILL?!

Darren: Daddy, help me!

Dusty: What can I say? Black people like greasier food than whites.

Narrator: Oh no! It's TOO late! The CURSED champagne has already dribbled on Darren's darling lips! It's only a matter of time before his PUP POWERS fade!

Darren: Geezy peezy, candy daddy!

Dusty: Too many people keep talking stuff and things and saying all that, but I don't listen. I mean, you know, I get it all the time.

Chipper: Nothing can stop me now. Not that anyone's trying. This is a little too easy here…

*COMMERCIAL*

Little Darren Baker is brought to you by Wendy's! Up Late? Eat Great!

And Las Vegas! What goes on here, stays here!

*END OF COMMERCIAL*

Narrator: But WHAT'S this? Super SLAMMIN' Sammy Superhero SOSA is flying in from his perch in RIGHT FIELD!

Sammy: Momma Jesus! I fly! Rescue!

Chipper: NO! Not Sammy! My arch enemy!

Darren: Geezy peezy!

Chipper: Hooters!

Narrator: Will Super Sammy fly fast enough to save Daddy Dusty's little angel? Or will CO-nniving Chipper Jones steal away Darren's sobriety?

Tune in next week!

-Brandon Stahl