Mike Davis, Coach of God

After their amazing win over Oklahoma, LostBrain was granted a post-game interview with Indiana Hoosier head coach and conservative Christian Mike Davis, whose team has made a miraculous run through the NCAA Tournament.

LB: Coach Davis, congratulations on your big win tonight against Oklahoma.

MD: Thanks, but you should really be congratulating God.

LB: Sorry, and why is that?

MD: Because he put this team in a position to win a championship.

LB: Uh… Absolutely, your team has had an amazing tournament--upsetting tourney favorite Duke, beating a great Oklahoma team.

MD: Our team hasn't done much of anything, really. They just threw the basketball in the general direction of the hoop, allowing God to place it inside the basket. The rest of the game was just our guys running around, waving their arms, praising Jesus for the points God scored.

LB: So, you're saying that God put your team's shots in the basket, and not your opponents?

MD: Oh absolutely. I think he really wanted to go out there and humiliate our enemies, you know, so God could set an example that worshipping Satan or Mohammed doesn't win basketball championships.

LB: Um.

MD: And really, all praise to God for hitting so many three pointers down the stretch. I prayed and prayed for that he'd hit at least a 60% average from beyond the arc, okay? And he went out and shot a 61.5%. God played an outstanding game tonight.

LB: Sure, but it seems to me you're not giving credit to your players, who have also played well.

MD: No, I'm giving them a lot of credit. They were at church last night praying for at least a seven point victory. That God allowed us to win by nine should let you know how hard they prayed.

LB: They actually spent last night at a church praying for a seven point victory?

MD: Well, kind of. We actually spent the last week there. But around 1:00 a.m. or so the minister came out with a shotgun telling us to get out, so me and a few of the guys set up a makeshift chapel at the Lobby of the Howard Johnson's. We prayed into the morning, and finally by around 11:30 God let us know that we were going to win.

LB: Sounds exhausting.

MD: It was, especially since none of us have slept in a week and a half.

LB: Why not?

MD: God told us not to. Don't ask me the ways the lord operates, but you just better follow his orders. Tom Coverdale disobeyed him, and that's why his ankle is sprained. And God tells me that he'll now never enter children, and he'll be cursed with a terribly ugly wife and children.

LB: That's terrible.... So I assume your strategy against Maryland will be to pray?

MD: Yes, only now we're asking God for super strength, because Maryland does have a few Christians on its team, and we've got word that the Holy Spirit is a Terrapin fan.

LB: So has God granted you this super strength?

MD: At this time, no. Jared Jeffries fell asleep during the prayers. We've placed him in a full body cast, anticipating God's wrath.

LB: So, your backup strategy against Maryland?

MD: I was thinking of reverting to the old testament and offering up a sacrifice to God.

LB: That's a unique approach.

MD: It is, especially because it's so hard to find sacrificial lambs in the Atlanta area. So we've decided to burn Dick Vitale at our Howard Johnson's alter at an hour before tip off.

LB: Good idea.

MD: God agrees. When we spoke last night he said that if we get Vitale and Billy Packer up there, he'll also grant us flying capabilities.

LB: You have conversations with God?

MD: Well, of course. We are engaged to be married.

LB: I had no idea. Congratulations?

MD: Thanks. Yep, the big day is three months away. God has already blessed me with our first child, which is due in about seven months.

LB: A virgin birth?

MD: Well, no, not exactly. Once God gets a little wine in you… well, you know. Like I always say, you just can't say no to God.

-Brandon Stahl