Think of the Children!

Kids, Kobe is going to wear a tracking device around his ankle, but his jump shot should remain unnaffected.

What to tell your kids about Kobe Bryant:

Step One: They will be shaken by this news. Set up talking points. Be firm, be gentle, but be honest. Tell them:

• Yes, Kobe's basketball cards will decrease in value.
• No, that's not fair. But then, hey kid, life's not fair.
• But it is possible for the card to go back up in value. If Kobe is declared innocent, for example, or more likely, he starts the season by scoring 50 in back-to-back games.

Step Two: Your children will want to know what it means to be charged with "felony sexual assault." Here, a frank discussion is imperative. Tell them:

• A felony is a crime for which the punishment in federal law may be death or imprisonment for more than one year.
• An assault is a violent physical or verbal attack or a military attack usually involving direct combat with an enemy force.
• Sexual has no meaning, and in fact you're not even sure why they threw that one in there, as the word is new to you, too, and you have no desire to use that word with your children again until they are 24.
• Instead of saying "sexual" or any derivative of the word, since they are meaningless, use "unclean and unholy." Kobe was charged with "felony unclean and unholy assault."
• Reiterate that they're not allowed to have unclean and unholy until they move out of the house.

Step Three: Your children have lost a hero, a mentor, someone they idolized. They will be crushed by this and will be lost and confused. You must act fast and:

• Not put yourself up as a replacement role model, as you, their parent, are as suitable as a horsefly to replace Kobe Bryant in their eyes.
• Instead, offer suggestions for other role models: that guy on CSI seems nice, he interviews well. What about Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes? That earring seems hip, no?
• Don't make the mistake of suggesting a sports hero, as obviously all of them are, like Kobe Bryant, serial rapists.

Step Four: This is a perfect time to teach your kids about our system of justice. Tell them:
• Obviously Kobe is guilty.
• Otherwise, why did they charge him with a crime?
• And what was he doing in Colorado in the first place? Innocent people don't go to Colorado.
• And why did he look so sad and shaken during his news conference?
• Think about it, kid: if you were innocent, you wouldn't look guilty like that, would you?
• But rest assured: the media will remind us over and over again that Kobe is indeed guilty until proven even more guilty.
• Because, come on, kid, doesn't he just look guilty?

Step Five: Closure. Answer any other questions your child might ask. Tell him:
• Yes, the NBA is the league where all the criminals go.
• Yes, this will affect Kobe's shoe deal with Nike.
• Not to worry, though, because this is America, and Kobe is still rich beyond his wildest dreams. There's no way he's going to prison.
• But if he does go to prison other guys will want "unholy and unclean" with him. Volunteer this information, even if your children don't ask about it.
• Of course you'll buy your children all the LeBron James cards they want to make up for this.
• But maybe they should consider the cards of a guy who probably wouldn't be accused of something like this: Allen Iverson.

-Brandon Stahl