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LostBrain is Seeking Candidates… To Test
Our New Performance Enhancing Drugs
Dear Job Hunters,
 If
you're unemployed, or if your boss is dropping hints that by Monday
you'll be unemployed, or you're tired of being employed at your
current job, then you may have straggled onto the job site FlipDog.com.
Weary and tired, some of you may have clicked on this link,
a web page listing four open positions with LostBrain--cartoonist,
columnist, copy editor and associate editor. You followed that
link, and you saw see even more open positions--designer, and
weekly-news recapper.
And many of you may have hyperventilated after reading those
job openings, exclaiming "Oh my God, I just stroke CAREER
GOLD!" You thought: Here's my chance to work a creative,
fun job and get paid actual U.S. currency to do it. Some of you
may be planning to call family meetings to inform your loved ones
that the job of your dreams has finally opened, that you'll need
to say goodbye for a few years to pursue this career opportunity.
"Working for LostBrain clearly comes before you," you'll
tell them, when a problem occurs to you. "The only thing
holding me back is that I need some money for moving expenses
and rent…"
But wait, before you sell your spouse and kids, there are a few
things you need to know about those job openings that those FlipDog
ads don't tell you:
1) If it's money that you're looking for, then let us tell you
about our six digit starting salary: $000,000. There's an option
for seven or eight digits. Seriously, despite what you may have
heard, we offer no pay, no health insurance benefits, no company
car, no on-site day care, no personal slave, no 401(k) and absolutely
zero Greek goddesses willing to feed you grapes while on coffee
breaks. Needless to say, with so many companies offering one of
more of those perks (you'd be surprised about the goddesses),
there aren't too many people working for us.
2) But then, just look at the site. How do you think we can afford
to pay anybody a salary, let alone pay our own utility bills?
Take a really good hard look at it--does it seem like anyone makes
any kind of revenue from this thing? We make less than Enron.
I know Salvation Army Santas pulling in more than us.
3) But wait, you're saying, it says here
that you have a staff. Which is true, but the people that contribute
to this site do so because they are either incredibly bored with
their lives, are high on paint fumes, or they lost a bet. Most
likely the last two.
4) But that does mean that we have contributors; talented writers
and designers who bust their butt, creating great work while putting
up with our Stalin-ist verbal abuse. Our turnover rate is incredibly
high, which is why we're always on the lookout for more talent.
Hence the postings for columnist, designer, copy editor, associate
editor, weekly news capper and gopher, er... cartoonist. Those
ads are on FlipDog as part of a gross misunderstanding. We posted
them over two years ago as kind of a joke, offering only a burger
& fries as compensation--and only if you lived in the Washington
D.C., New York or Chicago areas. And though that offer still stands,
somehow FlipDog picked up those ads and took them seriously. And
honestly, we feel terrible about the confusion it's caused.
5) Nevertheless, if you are still interested in contributing
for us--using whatever creative talents you think you have, please
drop us a line. Tell
us about your qualifications, your interests and why you think
you can drastically improve our site. Giving us your credit card
number will drastically increase your chances of getting on this
site.
6) But please, don’t write asking for a real job. I know
times are tough out there, but believe me, there are better jobs
than the ones we're offering. Like this one.
Hugs and Kisses,
Brandon
LostBrain.com
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