If you're unemployed, or if your boss is dropping hints that by Monday you'll be unemployed, or you're tired of being employed at your current job, then you may have straggled onto the job site FlipDog.com. Weary and tired, some of you may have clicked on this link, a web page listing four open positions with LostBrain--cartoonist, columnist, copy editor and associate editor. You followed that link, and you saw see even more open positions--designer, and weekly-news recapper.

And many of you may have hyperventilated after reading those job openings, exclaiming "Oh my God, I just stroke Gold!" You thought: Here's my chance to work a creative, fun job and get paid actual U.S. currency to do it. Some of you may be planning to call family meetings to inform your loved ones that the job of your dreams has finally opened, that you'll need to say goodbye for a few years to pursue this career opportunity. "Working for LostBrain clearly comes before you," you'll tell them, when a problem occurs to you. "The only thing holding me back is that I need some money for moving expenses and rent…"

But wait, before you sell your spouse and kids, there are a few things you need to know about those job openings that those FlipDog ads don't tell you:

1) If it's money that you're looking for, then let us tell you about our starting salary: $000,000. Yes, we pay absolutely nothing. Despite what you may have heard, we offer no pay, no health insurance benefits, no company car, no on-site day care, no personal slave, no 401(k) and absolutely zero Greek goddesses willing to feed you grapes while on coffee breaks. Needless to say, with so many companies offering one of more of those perks, there aren't too many people working for us.

2) But then, just look at the site. How do you think we can afford to pay anybody a salary, let alone pay our own utility bills? Take a really good hard look at it--does it seem like anyone makes any kind of revenue from this thing? We make less than Enron. I know Salvation Army Santas pulling in more than us.

3) But wait, you're saying, it says here that you have a staff. Which is true, but the people that contribute to this site do so because they are either incredibly bored with their lives, are high on paint fumes, or they lost a bet. Most likely the last two.

4) But that does mean that we have contributors; talented writers and designers who bust their butt, creating great work while putting up with our Stalin-ist verbal abuse. Our turnover rate is incredibly high, which is why we're always on the lookout for more talent--hence the postings for columnist, designer, copy editor, associate editor, weekly news capper and gopher, er... cartoonist. Those ads are on FlipDog as part of a gross misunderstanding. We posted them over two years ago as kind of a joke, offering only a burger & fries as compensation--and only if you lived in the Washington D.C., New York or Chicago areas--an offer that still stands. Somehow, FlipDog picked up those ads and took them seriously. And honestly, we feel terrible about it, and they won't take them down.

5) Nevertheless, if you are still interested in contributing for us--using whatever creative talents you think you have, please drop us a line. Tell us about your qualifications, your interests and why you think you can drastically improve our site. Giving us your credit card number will increase your chances of getting on this site.

6) But please, don’t write asking for a real job. I know times are tough out there, but believe me, there are better jobs than the ones we're offering. Like this one.

Hugs and Kisses,

Brandon
LostBrain.com